Tuesday, February 28, 2012

An Open Letter to Multi-Res Management and The Neighbours Who Dwell Below

I don’t know about where you come from, but where we come from – the outskirts of Centretown, we do not respond kindly to threats...

After a relatively quiet weekend that saw one of the Cooper lads improve his second language in hopes of attaining a high paying job and breaking the boizz out of this shithole (you’re taking me with you, right Bert?!?!), and saw the other Cooper lad dip into the darkness known as the abyss after a lack luster dunk contest and one too many draft beers (I still don’t see the problem in taking off all one's clothes and asking your roommate to scratch your back...while on the toilet, but that’s another blog post entirely), we awoke Monday morning to find this message in our respective inboxs...

Henry Thorough and kcerwd, 

We are still receiving continuous complaints about noise coming from your apartment.
Before any legal actions are taken against both of you, I ask that you keep in mind the other tenants in the building and keep the noise to a minimum.


Thank you
Multi-Res Management

For those loyal readers who know the boizz history with their property management company, I don't have to explain that this is bad news. It is especially troubling since the boizzz have been trying, dang nabbittt!!! We've been trying!!! We've been trying to be better people and better neighbours and it appears these efforts are all for naught, as the jerks below us continue to alert the authorities every time the ex-wife falls (errr gets pushed) out of bed and makes a noise.

After the initial feelings of rage subsided my colleague and I decided to respond in kind; here is our rebuttal...

Multi-Res Management,

Point taken about the noise. We have been making a conscious effort and will increase these efforts in light of the recent complaints.

If we could address the issues from our perspective for a moment:

We question the validity of the most recent complaints. On a pleasant Friday evening a few weeks back while watching the comedic masterpiece Monty Python’s Quest for the Holy Grail (admittedly at a late hour), we received a knock on the door and to our bewildered surprise, it was the Ottawa Police. They informed us that the people below had called them due to the volume of our television set. Upon hearing the volume the upholders of justice, personal freedoms, and rights instructed us to modify the television to a slightly less volume and basically told us to not worry about it. They went on to say that they considered their presence at our apartment to be a waste of time. We had a similar experience with by-law officers the next week who cited banging on the floor as the main complaint. I would like to make this widely known that I am 250 pounds of pure absolute man and, pound for pound, I step as lightly as anyone. I do not assume responsibility for floorboards which echo and reverberate the walking to which we find ourselves victimized with constant complaints. We cannot help the noises the floorboards make, and what’s more, we do not like being interrupted by the police and by-law for simply walking casually in our very own apartment. In all instances, the authorities were truly surprised they had been called and jokingly told us to walk a little softer - I took their advice and I bought slippers, I find they help.

We understand that obviously people are annoyed, or else they would not have gone to these great efforts to complain. We will do our best to change. We do question however the lengths they have gone to complain and wonder how necessary they are. Loud music is one thing – a completely justified complaint. But walking normally in an apartment and high volume on a TV? Could these issues not be addressed with a simple knock on the door and quick conversation? The police and by-law seem to think they could and should be. If these over-bearing complaints are strictly due to the sweet magical sounds of Van Morrison’s Moondance and merely walking in our apartment, then with that rationale as the basis of complaints/police calls, perhaps the residents of XXX Cooper Apartment XX should call the police almost daily for the following atrocities to our ears:

- Threatening dogs barking in several apartments (are pets even allowed in the building?) 
- Thunderous domestic fighting coupled with loud and passionate fornication noises (we suspect make up sex)
- Loud television sets and poor choice in television programs (The Big Bang Theory, Grey’s Anatomy, old Dharma and Greg re-runs, etc)
- Flamboyant parties outdoors behind the apartment lasting until 5 in the morning (Why were we not invited?)
- Offensive odour radiating from potentially several apartments (not excluding our own)

We have not called the authorities. But maybe with the precedents set against us, we should alert police and city officers… BUT we do not and will not because we believe living constitutes the right to make some noise. We understand that living within close proximity in an apartment building warrants some clamour from our neighbours.  We do not comprehend how one valid complaint forfeits our right to move and watch television, especially when we have not been given the courtesy of a conversation before complaints have been filed. Now that a precedent has been set for what constitutes a complaint we will...


Also, we find the tone of your email to be very condescending. Did you really need to use capital letters? I DON’T THINK THAT YOU DID. I think I speak for my roommate in saying I find it very unprofessional - which if nothing else, is consistent with Multi Res Management Standards. I'm fairly certain it is us who pays you for the apartment and not the reverse.

With the recent noise complaint, will we see yet another effort to "fix" all the things that are wrong with our apartment, so as to cover up Multi Res Management's unprofessional approach to property management?? I suppose we should appreciate the attempts to fix our shower and bathroom sink despite the fact the problems remain, with the addition of a huge hole in the wall (is exposed plumbing not a health and safety concern? - I'm fairly certain it is), but we really don't. The broken tiles on the bathroom floor have also not been fixed. 

Please note that this complaint is not directed at Caretaker lad who from our estimation is a hard working, underappreciated and likely underpaid, reliable individual; it is directed at his management.

We are not the villains you have cast us out to be. We are the victims. Victims of unscrupulous individuals who tend  to complain to the police as cheaply as I call the ex-wife on a cold and lonely winter’s night.

We can really improve the status of this relationship. It might not happen overnight, but you are dealing with two individuals that will work together tirelessly to ensure that we can mend this broken and shattered bond with tenants and management, but…


Thanks for your time and consideration,
Your friends,
kcerwd & Henry Thorough 

Warranted? Unlikely. An overreaction on our part? Perhaps. Should the boizz just grow the fuck up and be quiet for once? I don't see that as an option.

On the advice of loved ones, we've decided to "sleep on" this letter.  A few days have passed and we still can't decide, so we're throwing it to you, loyal reader...what should the boizzz do?

Have at 'er in the comments section below and know this - when boizz talk, boizzz listen. We are truly seeking your advice on the matter, so don't hold back (unless of course you are female, in which case don't bother commenting - KIDDDINGGGG! Your thoughts are encouraged too future ex wives!!!!!! Da boizz love and respect the ladies!)

What do da boizzz do?

Co-authored by kcerwd and Henry Thorough (if you didn’t already know!!!)


  1. I miss when the byline was lollerblog

    also....send that shit

  2. I demand that all of these anonymous users attach their real name to their post.

    - Rex Murphy