Apartment Swap Journal

MacLaren and Cartier Edition

Friday, January 13, 2012 1:40pm

I’m not sure what I expected to achieve from Apartment Swap 2012 (#AS2012), but blithe happiness was not high on my list of anticipated results. #AS2012 was meant as a social experiment to test the very limits of the latches. How does environment affect the latches? What are the consequences from removing a latch from a comfortable habitat into a new and potentially dangerous surrounding? These are the questions I had asked myself at the very beginning of the swap.
#AS2012 was intended as a controlled measure to discover the psychological effects and physical demands of an abrupt swap of the ol dwelling-house. How will Derk and Bert fair without their constant companionship?? How will CC and Hal get along at Cooper?? Will the cat lady miss Hal and embrace Bert? What will become of CC’s grapefruit tree under the care of Derk? Only time would tell.

I don’t think anyone could have predicted what has materialized for this old chunk of coal. The Beatles claimed “Happiness is a Warm Gun” and maybe they’re right and maybe they’re wrong - But I know one thing for certain; if the song was titled “Happiness is #AS12012,” I’d tend to agree. #AS2012 has left me paralyzed in a state of bliss.

Let’s start with the obvious pros to the swap.

Nuts. My old buddy Hal has an apartment stacked full of delicious nuts. Cashews and almonds mostly, but man, this is one hell of a luxury for any apartment - be it an upper-class downtown penthouse or some grimy basement apartment on Meadowlands, nuts are worth it. Well done Hal, way to keep the nut-to-latch ratio high. I mean, just picture this: Every night an astoundingly antiquated elevator rumbles my exhausted bones up to the top floor after a long days work at Gregory Olinavitch’s office, and as I shake off flakes of snow and kick off my worn winter boots… BLAMO! NUTS GALORE! FaceBlast of nuts baby! I love nuts! I don’t give one single care who knows it. Let’s just say I take full responsibly for swallowing ol Uncle Hal’s nuts.

Another thing – it’s a guitar aficionado’s paradise. I love guitars (I also love nuts – just FYI), and ol Uncle Hal has a plethora of guitars and guitar-like instruments for his ol buddy Bert to touch. Take Exhibit A for instance - that's one fine piece-of-ace, an old Epiphone arch-top Uncle Hal got from his Uncle Jack. If this guitar was a woman, I would take her for my wife and play her like a guitar (cause that’s what she is). Although that low E string bottoms-out like the ex-wife, it’s a dream to play (read touch). He’s also got this uber-sexy red fender Strat (Exhibit B) that screams ‘let’s do the sexy-thang.’ (I believe a guitars definition of ‘sexy-thang’ is having the C major scale spewed all over its neck.) And let’s not forgot the old Mando (Exhibit C). I don’t really know how to play it, but I can rock some sort of an Irish jig on it – AND as a matter of fact, the same Irish jig that caused a spontaneous dance session that left my old pal CC with an ankle injury this summer past.

Let’s talk about the welcoming environment Uncle Hal had prepared; Fantastic wall fixtures, an ice cold alcoholic beverage to help ease me through the apprehension of the first night, a can of beans (deliciously delicious), and he had strewn hilarious post-it notes throughout the apartment.  These post-it notes have not been taken down, nor will they be.  You can see the collection below. My personal favorite is the one in the mirror; also, I was pleasantly surprised to find a post-it note on my favorite type of morning beverage – orange juice. Yum, and not that concentrated shit, the good stuff, straight from the caust of Florida.

Hal’s got some interesting literature at his place, a stack full of Maclean’s magazines, and the Globe and Mail (although it has a woefully incomplete cross-word section). I could easily say I am quite content, nay, completely satisfied, nay, extremely ecstatic with the way #AS2012 has turned out thus far. I can only see this getting better, not worse. There is no way and no chance that things can make a turn for the worse…

Guitar Collection

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Post-it Note Gallery