Monday, March 26, 2012

Lad of the Week

Hi folks. Thorough here. Let’s cut to the chase and take a quick look back on the week that was.

We saw a massive heat wave sweep Ottawa and boiz, oh boiz, it was hotter than an Albertan brushfire. It was even hotter than the ex-wife’s legs – and she had great legs. She also had a strong left-hook, but great legs. This week of condensed global warming was just excellent. It was great for shirts vs. skins basketball games and drinking mojitos on the patio at the Pump, but, more importantly,  it was great for zoomin’ the ladies, creepin’ the ladies, and skeetin’ the ladies. This week reminded me of how much I love legs. Legs are awesome, also, play this in the background when reading this post. I’d like to gobble down a whole batch-load of lady legs for breakfast. Nom nom nom.

Tommy "Bags" Mulcair
Also, in political happenings, Old Tommy Bags Mulcair became the Leader of the Official Opposition. A solid choice for the NDP, and although he will ultimately push a high tax, high spending, job-killing agenda (according to the Conservatives), he’s a fiery lad with a reputation for talking smut. He certainly doesn’t have the charisma of Jack Layton, but hardly any public figure does. I just hope they are still cool with getting high all the time and redistributing all the rich folks’ monies so that I can go back to school, because I just want to talk conspiracy theories and play guitar all damn day again. AND! The dude has a beard. Stephen Harper doesn’t have a beard. He has a stupid hair cut, disturbing crime bills, robocall scandals, and an awkward disposition. Mulcair has a beard and regardless of his politics, that’s something I respect and admire. His beard proves (holding that it takes more than one day to grow a beard of his stature) that he was not born yesterday. It also conversely shows that I was born 2-3 weeks ago.

What else happened? Tiger won a tournament. Hoods became significant (RIP Trayvon). Guns were shot in France (rot in hell pyscho). The Morning Benders changed their name to POP ETC. Kcerwd made leek soup. Hal stopped kissing heads. CC worked a whole bunch. Dusty bore witness to Thorough losing his marbles in a late night fit of hysteria. But let’s get back on track. It’s Monday and all our loyal Latch Out Loud fans out there (That’s you faithful reader! Raise your hands, I said raise them motherfucking hands!) know that it’s time for Lad of the Motherfucking Week, ya’ll. And I couldn’t be happier to present this week’s taste.


Da Goose!
It’s about time this strikingly young and handsome male model/professional athlete was given his due. This 2005 NHL draft pick has been fighting tooth and nail in professional North American hockey leagues, paying his dues, working his tail off, and not reaping the expected results that someone of his talent deserves. So? What does this lad do? He packs his bags and sets off to Europe to become the Player of the Fucking Year in the EIHL. NBFD. Oh ya, I forgot to mention, this guy decides to get a Master's of International Business while he’s at it. I mean, why the hell not?

Let’s talk accolades. This guy has scored 33 goals and has added 51 apples. In 60 games!!! That’s more points than the ex-wife lost on her license when she was busted for driving naked and wasted! He’s playing for the Coventry Blaze of the EIHL, and he was individually destroying goaltenders GAAs. 33 goals? 51 assists? 60 games?!!! These are ridiculous numbers folks. So ridiculous that he was named Player of the Fucking Year (‘fucking’ added for emphasis), that’s like being name Lad of the Year! It’s crazy. And we couldn’t be happier for him.

We’d also like to mention at this point, that we personally know Mr. Guthrie. We call him “Da Goose”, we don’t know why, well maybe because he kind of looks like a goose, but I'm just spit-ballin'. You want to know what else? I saw this guy saucer a puck over the Somerset Bridge on the Rideau Canal last year. A bunch of lads thought it would be awesome to flip a puck over the bridge, you know, to show off to the ladies. So, as we all fail horribly time and time again in our attempts,  Da Goose casually skates over and  sauces a puck over the bridge! It was remarkable! We chanted we're not worthy! I mean, the damn bridge is higher than a politician at an NDP after-party, and he just sails a biscuit over that baby, cool as a cantaloupe.

Not only did Da Goose waltz into the EIHL and snag the Player of the Year, he also took home Forward of the Year, and Players' Player of the Year. That is serious hardware. Imagine being named Players' Player of the Year? It would be like being named the Latches' Latch of the Year, the highest praise possible! He has scored more goals in the EIHL than Theo Fleury ever did, and Theo Fleury was arguablely the best NHL player of all time, therefore, Shea Guthrie is the best hockey player of all time. Eat your heart out Sidney Crosby 'cause Da Goose is on Da Loose.

What else can we say about this guy? He has abs – I once saw him grate a whole pack of Balderson curds onto a Hawaiian pizza! He has great taste in music – he knew Whiskeytown before Whiskeytown was a town! And although he can’t grow a mustache, he tries all the time! And that’s saying something in this day and age. That’s the real reason he’s the Lad of the Week folks, because hard work will beat talent when talent doesn’t work hard.

Alright, I’m going down to Flippers for some fresh salmon. Laters on.

1 comment:

  1. Let's just say that if Shea Guthrie was in the NDP leadership race, he would win hands down against Mulcair. I mean, c'mon! He's the best looking Left Winger I know!!!! AMIRITE!!!