T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not an ipod was playing, not even deamau5.
The stockings were hung by the wobbly table,
In hopes that St Nick would bring the boys cable.
Yeamax and Colin, nestled snug in their beds,
While visions of touches danced in their heads.
And Bert in his skinny’s, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the road there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the lobby I followed the noise,
And there I found Santa, and a sleigh full of boiizzz!
With a little topsy turvey, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Brodie! now, Howie! now, Dusty and Dickson!
On, Saunders! On, Latsy! on, on Angus and Stephen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each of those goofs.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the boizz came with a bound.
They were dressed in all plaid, from their head to foot,
And their clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of beers they had flung on their back,
And each had a bottle, the boizz sipping some jack.
Their eyes were all fuckey! Latsy’s dimples - how merry!
Skin more red than roses, the boizz smelt like cheap sherry!
Skeet’s droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
I’d seen this before, but still couldn’t render,
How they tricked old Santa into this bender?
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Santa was shitfaced, a reason to dread,
They spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, only coal for old Derk!
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
One of the lads let a burp go, up the chimney they rose!
Santa sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere they drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"