Friday, November 11, 2011

What your cardboard cut out says about you...

Ousted from your group? Does the stress of making new friends get you down? Seeking comfort from an inanimate, 100% recyclable life size mock up of your favourite celebrity? If you answered yes to one or all of the questions listed above, never fear Mr. Lonely, you are not alone.

With social media tightening its grasp on human interaction, thousands of socially awkward Canadians have turned to the card board cut out for some heterosexual companionship. Not only do you get a famous face in your home every day, the cardboard cut out is a great listener! The epitome of the strong silent type (depending on the quality of your cut out, so don’t cheap out alligator arms!).

Once the decision to give up on the human race is made, an equally big decision looms. Which cardboard cut out do you purchase from the inter web and proudly display, at the foot of your bed, looking over you as if it were your guardian angel (personal preference)? Do you go father figure (Tom Hanks) or wise guy (Rodney Dangerfield), famous athlete (Wayne Gretzky) or digital temptress (Lara Croft)? Unlike the majority of the social relationships in your life, you actually get some say in which people you surround yourself with! Imagine that...

Choosing which cardboard cut out is for you is a big decision. If you decide that you’d prefer to crawl back to those hooligans you call friends and partake in “normal” social behaviour that is your right. There is no turning back from the cardboard world so please give it some thought. If you bail please don’t make fun of a person for preferring cardboard to human flesh, after all, YOU DID THIS TO US with your constant facebook status updates and lol-less tweets, YOU DID THIS!!!!!

Here is a quick glance at some of the most popular cardboard cut outs available and what ownership of these cut outs might say about a person. This look is just one man’s opinion, I know you didn’t ask for it but drove here.

Forrest Griffin
Former UFC light heavy weight champion and TUF season 1 winner. Owners of this cut out fancy themselves a bit of a tough guy and for the most part are not very intelligent. You can pick these people out by their self deprecating sense of humour and lack of personal hygiene. The smug look on Forrest’s face suggests he is unimpressed, and guess what? He is. Owners of this cut out are often looking to be motivated and like to push their motivation onto others. Personal trainers, coaches and former pro athletes are most likely to own this cut-out. It is available on, a few clicks further and Forrest can be at your house in 5-7 business days for less than a 2-4 of Steamwhistle at your closest beer store.

People who own Forrest are also likely to buy: Chuck Norris, Mr. T and Tum Tum from 3 Ninja’s.

Barack Obama
...Motherfucker! YES WE CAN...People who have chosen the first black president of the United States have an inherent interest in all things political. Despite their obvious social short comings owners of this cut-out are usually real go getters and often very successful. Hope is their mantra and if they can dream it, hell, they can achieve it. If the latter isn’t true than people who own this cut-out might be categorized as “suckers for a smile”. For 32.99 at you can smile along with President Obama as the U.S economy sinks deeper into the toilet. STOP LOOKING AT ME BARACK!

People who own President Obama are also likely to buy: Michael Jordan, Kim Campbell and Mister Magoo.

Harry Potter
Yes this is Harry Potter, if you know the actual name of the actor who plays Harry Potter please turn off your computer and promptly jump off the highest building within walking distance. Maybe Harry will save you? Owners of this cut-out are big fans of the fantasy books and movies. The fantasy genre in general is of great interest to them. You can find them playing Quidditch at Ottawa University on Sundays and contemplating becoming a wizard by trade. They can also be found in your local Chapters reading all the books but not paying for any of the books. If you know a guy or girl who is over 12 and has a life size Harry Potter cut-out in their house please punch them in the face immediately...they are going down a deep dark path that will eventually lead to the RCMP breaking down their door and taking all those pictures of 12 year olds saved on secure hard drives. If you want to buy this for someone younger than 12 here is the website, just promise you’ll burn it upon their graduation from Hogwarts.

People who own Harry also are likely to buy: Bilbo Baggins, Yoda and Paul Bertrand.

Joe Paterno
People who own this cut-out typically don’t have the best luck and don’t really know what’s going on around them. They are often loyal to a fault, trusting and have been known to be the scapegoats for an entire university’s poor decision making. Owners of a JoePa cut out aren’t as sharp as they used to be and could be part of a publicity stunt by those in power that will back fire terribly and leave the individual blacklisted from the communities they spent their lives building...Go Nittany Lions! Get em while you can folks, they won’t be for sale for long...

College football won’t be the same without you Joe!

People who own JoePa also are likely to buy: John Madden, Phil Jackson and Santa.


  1. Go ahead and quit your job. You're a blogger now.

  2. This is probably the best work on this site.

  3. To clarify, Penn State paraded JoePa around as a feel good story and acted surprised when a +70 year old man failed to realize the gravity of an a dire situation. He deserves to be punished but so does everyone involved in the Penn State athletics program who thought it was a good idea to have an 84 year old man as the head coach of a major football program. He did a lot of good for people too and it is a shame it will all be forgotten....


  5. I can not believe what I have just read. Who do you think you are?