Another Christmas Letdown?

Christmas is a time of year that many look forward to. Some begin the Christmas countdown months in advance and are not shy to put up their tree well before the first thought of snow. Christmas is a time to enjoy family and friends, have a few cocktails while enjoying one another's company. What also comes with this is time of year is the kind act of exchanging and receiving Christmas gifts. Many love being showered in wonderful gifts from friends and family members because well…. who doesn’t like ripping open that wrapping paper to see a gift they have always wanted, or had specifically asked Santa to bring? Well, one person doesn’t, and that person is me. Now some of you might be thinking... Is this guy for real? Does he have a heart? Do we have a real modern day Scrooge on our hands?

Now don’t get me wrong, I like Christmas. I like the whole family get-together thing, Christmas parties (minus work parties and the overplayed “Ugly Christmas Sweater Party” that stopped being funny in 2007) and the giving of Christmas gifts. The one thing I do not enjoy about Christmas is opening gifts. For the past few years I have set the bar relatively low as to what I was hoping to receive in order to avoid the whole feeling of being letdown. The past two Christmases most notably I have been on the receiving end of gifts that did not only fail to meet the bar that I had set, they actually didn’t even come close. I understand completely that yes, it is the thought that counts, however how much thought did a person put into a gift that was 3 sizes larger than your actual size and did not come with a tag or receipt for any chance of a return? Or that sweater from last year with flames and an embroidered dragon on it (Oh Christmas 2010, one to remember...)?

This all being said, I have decided to take a new approach for Christmas 2011; having zero expectations and not setting any kind of bar because there is nothing that will surprise me anymore. In fact I don’t even want to open a single Christmas present this year, avoiding the standard Christmas Letdown.

(Important fact to note, the two gifts mentioned above were from the same person two years in a row. I have polled around on potential gifts for this Christmas: the top two answers: 1) Previously viewed Season 1 of the Sopranos and the Nutty Professor, and 2) Nothing).

Merry Christmas

On The Issue Of...

...Living Next Door To A Crazy Cat Lady...

"Get out! Get the fuck out!!"

This is what I awoke to at around 6:30am just about a month ago. Am I in some stranger's house? What happened last night? Did I go home with a rocket? I spun around and opened my eyes.

Latchelor apartment. Bed. Empty, save for this old relic. Regular Tuesday morning. What the fuck? Disoriented. Ten seconds pass.

A shriek.

"Get ouuuuuuutttt!!!"

A revelation. It's just the old fuckin' cat lady next door. Presumably the cats were making sexual advances on her again, and she wasn't havin' it. Get the fuck out, indeed.

The only known photo of the cat lady.

You see, I live next door to a bat-shit crazy old cat lady. I also happen to live in an apartment building with walls no thicker than tissue paper. Hence, the cat lady may as well be my roommate. Any tiny little peep made in this apartment building will be heard by your neighbour. She hears my contrived attempts to croon like Sam Cooke when I'm doing the dishes. I get woken up by her sneezing fits at 6:45am every other day. She bore witness to the time I brought a girl home two-and-a-half years ago, presumably covering her ears for the entire minute and 17 seconds. I get to listen to her make monkey noises at her cats. She bangs on the wall when I play a palm-muted version of Wheat Kings on the acoustic guitar at 10:45pm. I mumble "for fuck's sake lady" when she starts crashing around before 7:00am. And so we've built a wonderful life together. BRFs. Best Roomies Forever.

I see her in the elevator sometimes. Once every five months we happen to cross paths while running errands.  I even went to her apartment once to give her a bag of cat food that I had no use for after my parents adopted my beloved, if troubled, feline friend Johnson (the cat food gift was really a front for a reconnaissance mission – as expected, her apartment is a glimpse into the 1980s). I would describe our relations as cordial. I overlook the fact that she bangs on the wall every time I have friends over – no matter what time; she forgives me for sleepily telling her to "fuck off" when the cats get rowdy in the morning – I always regret my choice of language afterwards, but never apologize.

I once came home at 7:00am after working an overnight shift. I was pretty tired. She was walking one of the cats in the hall. I was initially unsurprised. This is back when I still had a cat of my own. On closer inspection, the cat she was walking looked just like mine. I thought maybe she had decided that three cats of her own simply wouldn't suffice. I thought maybe I'd forgot to lock the door the previous night. I thought maybe she'd snuck her way in and made off with Johnson. I thought she was now parading my cat around the eighth floor hallway; showing her off to all the other depressed apartment dwellers twiddling off to work that morning, or whatever it is these mysterious people do with their lives. I ducked into my apartment and quickly scanned the room. There was Johnson, lying on the bed, doing whatever it is a cat does when its owner isn't around. Turns out she didn't steal my cat. Hmmm.

Anyways, I don't really have a tidy way to end this little story. To sum up:

- crazy neighbour has lots of cats

- doesn't like music, or seemingly anything, really

- I used to have a cat

- hearing everything your neighbour does eases your own fears that you're some weird creep who would have no friends if any of them knew you occasionally talk to yourself

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas from the Boizzzzzz

T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not an ipod was playing, not even deamau5.

The stockings were hung by the wobbly table,

In hopes that St Nick would bring the boys cable.

Yeamax and Colin, nestled snug in their beds,

While visions of touches danced in their heads.

And Bert in his skinny’s, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap.

When out on the road there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the lobby I followed the noise,

And there I found Santa, and a sleigh full of boiizzz!

With a little topsy turvey, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Brodie! now, Howie! now, Dusty and Dickson!

On, Saunders! On, Latsy! on, on Angus and Stephen!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The prancing and pawing of each of those goofs.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney the boizz came with a bound.

They were dressed in all plaid, from their head to foot,

And their clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of beers they had flung on their back,

And each had a bottle, the boizz sipping some jack.

Their eyes were all fuckey! Latsy’s dimples - how merry!

Skin more red than roses, the boizz smelt like cheap sherry!

Skeet’s droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.

I’d seen this before, but still couldn’t render,

How they tricked old Santa into this bender?

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Santa was shitfaced, a reason to dread,

They spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, only coal for old Derk!

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

One of the lads let a burp go, up the chimney they rose!

Santa sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere they drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"