IN THE BOIZZZ DISTRICT COURT
THE BOIZZZZZ,
Plaintiff,
v.
Derek “Derk” McConnery, also known as “Daryl” and Andrew “Twinkle Toes” Rytwinski, also known as "Senor Andre", "Senor Andre 3000", "Andy", "Twinski (french accent)" and "Twinky"
Also know has the Cartier Street Banditts
Defendant.
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NO. CR-01
Ottawa , Ontario
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NO. CR-01
BEFORE: THE HONORABLE R.STEVEN “NEW” ZORGEL,
BOIZZ JURY TRIAL
DAY ONE
VOLUME I
BE IT REMEMBERED, the above-entitled cause came on for hearing this 4th day of February, 2013, before the Honourable Steven “New” Zorgel, when the following testimony and evidence was introduced, to-wit;
THE COURT (Ziggy): Call the case.
THE CLERK (CC):
Ziggy: Mr. McConnery, You are charged with one count of Superbowl slunkery and one count of misleading the boizzz. How do you plead?
DM: To the charge pf Superbowl slunkery guilty :( I called in weary. To the charge of misleading the boizz I plead, innocent. I would never mislead the boizzz!
Ziggy: Mr. Reporter please have Derk’s sad face stricken from the record.
CC: Understood.
Ziggy: Mr. Rytwinski, you are charged with one count of Superbowl Slunkery. How do you plead?
AR: Innocent, honourable New Zorgel!
Ziggy Stardust: Plantiff you may precede with your case.
Reporters note: Representing the Plantiff is Dusty Daley
DD: We’ll start with Andy. Andy please state your whereabouts during the evening of February 3rd, 2012.
AR: (I had a) Work report due today. Which was put off until yesterday due to general laziness, watching of sens, drinking, and courting of la p’tit? In my defence I was fully intending to pop in for a g'day but my report was longer than expected. (Still not done :-( oh boiz).
DD: Zigmund, I’d like to introduce my first piece of evidence to the court. The transcript of a phone call placed by Andre 3000 to Zigmund Palffy on the evening of February 3rd at 5:30 PM Eastern Standard Time. Said Transcript quotes Handy Andy as saying the following: “I’ll pop in for a g'day." Is this accurate Senor Andy?
AR: Like I stated for the record, I was fully intending to pop in for a g'day but my report was longer than expected. (Still not done :-( oh boiz).
DD: I would like to request having the charges changed to one count of slunking and a separate count of misleading da boiz
Zigs: Request granted. Andrew, do you have any last words to say in your defence?
AR: Boss didn't love the report. His advice: "you're a racecar driver... Now tell me where you wanna go."
Z: Andre that makes no sense. Boiz how do you find Andre in reference to one charge of slunking and one count of misleading the boiz?
Angry Juror #1 (Henderson
Angry Juror #2 (Barnie): Guilty!
Angry Juror #3 (Hal): Cummin in hot: far too many drinks last night. Highlights: getting a Turkish homophobe'$ number, Stu thinking my real name is Hal, talking smut and drinkng white russians. What was the question?
CC: Lazers do help his argument. Not guilty.
Z: I am over ruling the boizz verdict. Andy not guilty of slunking due to the fact that his intentions were to come say g'day to Da Boiz, I can testify to attitude in the phone call, however his negligence to realize the extent of his work, procrastinating via laziness, lead to Andy misleading the boys into thinking he was coming, ultimately the Boiz paid the price in my opinion
Andy intended to come say g'day but did not achieve his goal of finishing his work therefore shouldn't have/couldn't have come out with Da Boiz due to greater consequences with the lazer gods
His sentence; two week’s probation.
GAVEL NOISES!!!!
AR: I'd like to appeal my probationary period to one week because I'm so sad and sorry about my unintentional slunking.
DD: The boizz do not object as long as he provides a selfie to prove it.
Z: Original sentence overruled.
GAVEL NOISES!!!!
Let us proceed with Derk’s hearing. Derk's guilt has been determined for slunking as we heard a confession; one charge pending of misleading the Boiz as new evidence arises.
DD: Let me begin by saying you strike me as a particularly icy and remorseless man, Derk. It chills my blood just to look at you.
DM: That’s a little harsh…
New Zorgel: SILENCE IN MY COURT ROOM!
DD: Weariness will not be accepted as justification for your actions as all the boiz were saddled with weariness. For the record, Derk said as he slunked, "I might be back later."
Tell me this, Derk - when you made this statement, did you have any intention of returning?
DM: When I made that statement I knew there was a 10% chance I'd return.
Z: Right Honorable Boiz, how do we find Defendent One, one Derk "Big Darryl" Sean Connery, on charges of misleading the boizz?
All: Guilty! (Minus Dusty)
AR: ...sorry Derk :(
DD: Not Guilty!
CC: What say you Dale?
DD: Tone and volume of the comment about his return was the deciding factor in my verdict - I did not believe he would be back nor did I feel he believed what he was saying. Slunk he did, but it was a deliberate slunk and his intentions were clear.
NZ: Interesting…
Based on the what we've heard hear today I sentence Derk with one blog post and buying a round for da boizzzz.
Let this be a lesson to all the boizzz, yea who slunks first, slunks last yet thy shall never slunk at all.
GAVEL NOISES!!!!
The court of boizzz will resume when needed. On with your day everyone…
compelling! kept me riveted until the dirty end...
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