Wednesday, October 10, 2012

A Homeless Man Trolls Craigslist

If you read my last post, then you're aware that I've been looking for an apartment in Toronto. Well, its been two-and-a-half months and the search continues. It's actually almost funny how ridiculous it is. Almost.

According to the Toronto Star, the vacancy rate sits at 1.4 percent in this city. I can just about guarantee you that the vacancy rate for apartments that aren't over $1000, that aren't basement apartments, and that aren't embarrassingly transparent scams posted by shameless Saudi princes is much lower. Probably around 0.2 percent. Basically, if you've got a reasonably priced apartment downtown, you'd be wise to hold on to it. Or rent it to me.

Anyways, now that I've updated you on the trials and tumults in my life, let's get down to the meat of this post...

In my never-ending, endlessly frustrating online search for apartments I get fed up and spin into a vicious rage about once a week. I usually take out my frustration on the half-wit spineless con-faced pieces of trash snot that shamelessly advertise (fake) furnished College Street condos for $650, attempting to capitalize on the cognitively impaired folk of this city that just can't resist sending $1300 over Western Union to "missionaries" unable to arrange a personal viewing for the apartment (don't worry, keys are in the mail as soon as we get the money!).

I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for the people who actually fall for this. I mean, you gotta be pretty dim to think anyone is giving away a $2000/month rental for peanut shells. But I also hate schmohawks that try to take advantage of the weak. So I tell them off anyways. Via e-mail, of course. (And no, I'm not bitter because I fell for one of these scams. In fact I was once the subject of the top story on CBC News Ottawa for exposing these unseemly characters a few years back. Hold your applause. Thank you.)

At any rate, I'm rambling worse than that guy you know that never stops rambling. You know the guy...

So in an effort to blow off some steam the last time I felt the apartment rage, I decided to do what I do best: take to craigslist with a topsy-turvy LOL post.

Here's the link:

And here are the quality e-mail responses I got:

Good evening,

I'm not at all interested in your squalid basement bachelor, but my
alcoholic hoarder neighbor has become suicidal and increasingly
dangerous and I'm desperate to get out of my current place.

I do have a cat but I plan to lie to you about that. Also, I'll
enforce the shit out of my rights and take you to the landlord tenant
board if you so much as lag in doing a repair. I don't currently play
a musical instrument, but your disgusting excuse for a domicile will
encourage to take up the trumpet, which I will play in a amateurish
fashion at 3am.

I look forward to a short, highly acrimonious relationship with you.

Tenant who knows their rights


Can I just say that this is the best for rent post I have ever come across. And if its for real we should meet. I already like you. And conveniently need a place to live come November first.


 You are a fucked up piece of shit for even posting an ad like this.


 This really brightened my day and my everlasting apartment search.
Thank you, hilarious stranger.
- Lauren


Thanks for that!  That was a good laugh! I have been looking for an apartment for months! I think I finally found a ver overpriced one that I can live with.....good luck with your search! 
Let’s go for a beer 
Housing is tough right now, would you take $2000 a month slash marry me?
Hi there,

I just wanted to say that your ad for the "rental" is absolutely
hilarious! It is 2am right now and I am at work. I laughed really hard
while reading this and had to share it with my coworkers. This has
truly made my night.

Thank you!

Hey there,
I'm interested in your apartment. Can I book a viewing time?
This just made my day. Glad I'm not alone.  
Hey, this place looks great. My name is Stephen Senders, and I'm looking for a room, ideally before December. I'd be really happy to come by and check it out. I'm a 26 year old television writer, and I'm fun, easy going and extremely busy (most of the time) so I'm a pretty ideal roommate. I just moved back from Vancouver after 5 months of being over there, for a show, so I'm looking for places mainly in the Annex/Little Italy/Queen St area, so this place certainly fits the bill.

If you've got some time to let me come by and take a look, I'd be happy to go over things some more, and if it's a good fit, we can take it from there. I'm quiet, hard working, financially stable and CLEAN.

Looking forward to hearing from you when you have a chance.


Suffice to say that people are desperate, like LOLs, are sometimes not bright, are willing to befriend/marry strangers over the Internet, and are mostly just weird. Thanks craigslist. 

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